Pike Hills Golf Club

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Chairman’s Report 30





Chairman’s Report
Pike Hills Golf Club Coronavirus Impact
Update number 30.

Dear Members,
I hope you are all keeping safe and well.
Only 1 more week to go and so I hope this will be the last of my weekly reports regarding how the virus has affected life at the golf club and therefore the last time you have to put up with my ramblings and attempts at humour!!

The Greens staff have continued their work in getting the course ready for the 29th March and the return to social golf, they have also completed some repair work on the 3rd hole bunkers which looks excellent, they will be cutting and defining the fairways in the coming week along with the preparation of the greens and approaches.

Maxine Bailey, your House Chair reports that they have completed the decorating in the gents changing rooms and this week will be in the kitchen decorating, following the failure of the very old dishwasher a new one has been procured and will be installed this week too. Refurbishment of dance floor will take place in readiness for the hopefully, oncoming social season. Also a cleaning programme has been prepared and will be ongoing in order for us to be ready for when the clubhouse is allowed to open up.

Steve, your caterer has sourced 2 marquees and on Saturday with 2 “willing” volunteers, he erected one adjacent to 1st tee, he has also acquired another marquee which will be installed on the putting green outside the gents locker room and putting green ready for al fresco dining, these will prove invaluable in the coming weeks as the restrictions ease when we will be allowed to take refreshments outside, this currently will be from 12th April and be subject to the rule of 6. More details will be published in the week preceding the 12th April. However before then they are still operating a takeaway and “phone and collect service”, order from him or Fran on 07949 550884, this will continue in future too.
Steve informs me that he intends to continue his “FISH and CHIP Friday” each week, so why not give them a try. I can heartily recommend it, it is better and cheaper than the local fish and chip shop and you will be supporting the hard work that they do to provide this service.

Chris Lone, your brilliant Facilities Manager, has asked me to include the following in this report;
If anyone is needing any equipment, clothing or anything from the shop before the return to golf on 29th March, please get in touch with him on clone4400@hotmail.com , the shop will be open next weekend for a couple of hours each day for members wishing to collect anything that they have ordered. He also thanks all those who have booked onto the Taylormade Custom Fitting event on Wednesday 31st March and there are only 2 x 30 minutes slots available, these are 11.00 – 11.30 and 15.00 – 15.30. Please get in touch to book either of these or for more information via the email address as above.
Paddy Neligan, your Rabbits Section Secretary, has made the following appeal:

Please help. We are looking for a volunteer or volunteers to organise an important function.
The 2021 Rabbits Open Day (ROD) is at risk. This is an important event in the club and Yorkshire Rabbits calendar, regularly attracting a full house of entries from across Yorkshire and beyond. Many people return year after year, and the event brings credit to the club, both financial and appreciation. It is the principal income generator for the Rabbits section, without which the future of the section is in jeopardy.
The event had to be cancelled in 2020 because of Covid19, along with all Rabbits activity last year. Ian T Smith has organised the ROD very successfully for several years, but has now hung up his boots. We have no one to take over organising the event. The Rabbits committee has been depleted by resignations and illness, and the lack of activity, including lack of social interaction and inability to hold an AGM has interfered with recruitment of new blood.
We need an organiser. It is a very rewarding task, greatly appreciated by the participants. The work needs to start now on promoting and recruiting entries. We already have a significant number of entries carried forward from last year, and regular participants are enquiring about entry this year. Ian Smith can provide a blueprint of what needs to be done and when. David Snape, Rabbits’ treasurer will help looking after the finances. There will be plenty of practical help on the day.
It would be a tragedy if this event had to be cancelled, one from which it would be hard to recover.
If you would be willing to undertake this role, either on your own or with a friend, please contact Paddy Neligan, Secretary, Rabbits section:
mobile 07889 544579, email paddy.neligan@btopenworld.com

I finish as usual with a couple of amusing ditties, I have tried over the last year to engender a little light heartedness into what has been a very serious and unprecedented time with this virus affecting all our lives in many areas, so I hope that they have created a little amusement for you all and I would like to thank all the contributors.
1. A new recruit soldier was stood on the parade ground and his Commanding Officer approach him and stated “I did not see you at camouflage practice this morning Tomkins”, Tomkins replied “Thank you very much sir”. (Thanks to Paddy Neligan).

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come to collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she puts on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When she’d finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local Estate Agents refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 the of what the house had been worth … but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…..and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!


3. One day a Barnsley man decided to retire…He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank..”
“Amazing,” he notes… “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“But, where did you get the tools?” “Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock Is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron, I used that to make tools and used The tools to make the hardware.”
The guy is stunned.
“Let’s row over to my place,” she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house
While the woman ties up the rowing boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.”
“Would you like a drink?” “No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed.. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice” “It’s not coconut juice” winks the woman, “I have a still, how would you like a Tropical Spritz?”Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces
“I’m going to slip into something more comfortable, Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”
No longer questioning anything, the Barnsley lad goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone, Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small Flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There’s something I’m certain you feel like right now, something you’ve been longing for, right?” She stares into his eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean…” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

“You’ve made a chip pan?”!!!!!!

Well that’s it folks, thank you for putting up with my musings, thank you all for supporting Pike Hills Golf Club and I sincerely hope we can all get back to normality, whatever that is, to enjoy our golf but in the meantime, Stay Safe and Well, be kind to yourself and your friends and lets hope to see each other soon.

Kindest Regards
Martin Robinson
Pike Hills Golf Club Chairman
Stay at Home – Protect the NHS – Save Lives